


gamers don't die, babe, they respawn <3

by anoiif



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, F/F, First Kiss, Fix-It, Found Family, Love Confessions, M/M, Rewrite, i combined every woman in spn into one character named Woman, i may have never watched any of this show whatsoever but ill be damned if i didn't fix it, she is a lesbian, the gang busts cas out of turbo hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27653422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoiif/pseuds/anoiif
Summary: “Sam?”“Yeah, Dean?”“...I think I might have the desire to kiss men.”Dean and Sam go on a rescue mission to save everybody's favorite homosexual angel.
Relationships: Baby the Car/Woman, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 81





	gamers don't die, babe, they respawn <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so. I have never seen Supernatural, and everything I know about it has been absorbed from memes and cultural osmosis. I still think I did a better job of ending the series than the actual finale. So, sorry to all of you Supernatural fans out there, it sucks that it had to end like this, but hey, at least fanfiction exists.
> 
> Also, while Jack appears in this fic, he is exclusively referred to as Dear Rat Boy.
> 
> Edit: thank you so much to everyone who left comments, it’s made my day :’)

Our story picks up in beautiful Oklahomo, where our heroes are very, very sad. Dean, Sam, Woman, and Baby the Car had just watched their good angel friend, Cas, be dragged kicking and screaming down to Turbo Hell, which was especially upsetting due to the lengthy and not at all homophobic love confession the feisty angel had dropped on Dean. 

“Sam?”

“Yes, brother?”

“...I think I might have the desire to kiss men.”

Sam turned to his older brother with tears in his beautiful, hazel-adjacent eyes. “I know, Dean.”

Dean huffed a manly, rugged huff. “No, I mean, I REALLY want to kiss one specific man. Sam, I wish to brush my man lips against the lips of another, more handsome and less homophobic, man.”

Sam put a weary hand on Dean’s quivering, manly shoulder, before glancing back at Woman and Baby the Car. “Cheer up, bro, it’s not gay to have sex with men, am I right fellas?” Sam then failed to elaborate. The girls stared him down without remorse. 

Dean shook his head. “After all our adventures, and the dying, and the murder, and the becoming demons, and the sexy dogs, I have never felt more strongly about anyone than what I feel for Cas Angelman. I just want to hold him in my big strong arms in a way that is not in the least bit fruity (derogatory).”

The Luigi of the brothers smiled softly. “Well, we better get to it, huh big bro? If you want to feel the tender embrace of that angel DILF, we’re gonna have to go on a ROAD TRIP….to HELL!!!” 

The motley crew all piled into Baby the Car and set off on what would be their most Supernatural adventure yet. Dean put in his favorite cassette of Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas the band, and hopped their asses onto Route 66 (AMERICA, BABY!). It was time to infiltrate super hell, or die trying. 

____________________________________________

48 fun-filled hours later, the gang pulled up at the quintessential Rural American Gas Station, which was the portal to Turbo Hell. The boys grabbed a six-pack of brewskis because they were VERY manly and rugged, THANK YOU very much. Sam shot the bottle caps off the top of the cold ones because he knows how to use a gun. 

“Hey Baby the Car, hey Woman, are you guys going to Turby Hell with us to save dear, sweet Cas?” mackled Dean ruggedly.

“Nope,” replied Woman smoothly, “Baby the Car and I have fallen deeply in lesbian love with each other, and we’re going to stay here and make sure this bitch of a fiction passes the Betchdel test.” 

“That's valid of you, may Chuck (evil God) have mercy on your souls,” said Sam, chugging a brewski in one, unbroken slurp. 

“Beep beep,” exclaimed Baby the Car, and everyone laughed uproariously. Without further fanfare, the Super Winchester Brothers flung open the gas station toilet that was the portal to Turbo hell and flushed themselves away, like the movie about the rat. Do you guys remember the movie about the rat that gets flushed down the toilet??? That shit was WACK I only watched it in spanish without subtitles so I still don’t know what the fuck it was about. Anyways, Sam and Dean were flushed like the little rats they are, falling through an upsetting void filled with fire, death, and the suggestion of clowns. After what was, in all honesty, a very awkward and not very scary amount of time falling, the Winchester lads blacked out.

Dean’s eyelids slowly fluttered open, blinking the stars out of his eyes. His head was pounding and his throat was dry despite the lingering taste of American beer fresh on his tongue. Slowly, he pushed himself up on his knees to get a better gander at the surrounding area. What he saw made his breath catch in his throat. It was Dear Rat Boy! He was sipping a fresh mountain dew, and approximately 12 feet to his left, two guys were having gay sex! Wow, were they ever just going at it. 

“Hey dad!” Said Dear Rat Boy, taking a disgusting sip of his Mountain Dew Amped Game Fuel™, “What brings you to this side of Turbo Hell?”

Dean sputtered, highly distracted by the two gentlemen just going for it right there on the Turbo Hell floor. “Rat Boy, I thought you were busy being God? I’m here to find my boy best friend, Cas! He got dragged here for being homosexual,” Dean said, a pout on his rugged mug. 

Rat Boy giggled in a very ethereal manner, his golden, bioluminescent God orbs squinted in glee. “I get around, Dad, you bloody idiot. Anyways, if you’re looking for the homosexual side of Turbo Hell, you done found it, chief!”

“At least that’s a relief, Dear Rat Boy. But my brother and I didn’t raise you to use that kind of language! We’re red blooded AMERICANS, damnit!” 

“Whatever, old chap. Just start poking around, and I’m sure you’ll find your Boy Best Friend in no time :)”. Dean wasn’t sure how Rat Boy made that sound with his mouth, but he chalked it up to being a god thing. 

As Dean wandered, he started to realize that he was being watched. Around him, figures with snow white faces, dark eyes, sharp teeth, and bright red, honkable noses stared at him. He picked up his walking speed, which turned out to be a massive mistake, because at the first sign of abrupt movement the feral clowns swarmed the man like a flock of angry, fruity bats. Within seconds, Dean was pinned to the floor of hell by the carnivorous entertainers. 

“Well well well well well well well well well well. If it isn’t MR. HOMOPHOBIA himself. We were waiting for you, dipshit.“ In response, Dean let out a blood curdling shriek like a small, helpless baby. “Is that all you have to say for yourself?” said the clowns in horrifying unison.

“I-I’m not Mr. Homophobia! I’m not! I l-love gay people!” 

“If you love gay people so much, then explain THAT!” bellowed the lead clown, sexily. Dean followed the clown’s wildly gesticulating arm. Sitting approximately 50 yards away was Dean’s sweet, precious Cassy-wassy, trench coat billowing sexily behind him as he posed like a religious figure in a Baroque painting. He was crying and weeping and looked like the saddest sight Dean had ever laid eyes on. The rugged hunter wanted nothing more than to sweep him up in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in his ear in a way that was definitely heterosexual. 

“He’s crying because he fell in love with a hettie, Dean Winchester. And that hettie is YOU,” growled the head clownpire, disgust lacing its every utterance. 

“C-Cas,” whispered Dean to himself, feeling his heart shatter, “Maybe I...maybe I could be gay...for you…” A single man tear rolled down his rugged cheek. 

“You’re bisexual, dipshit, also we are going to kill and eat you now lol,” said the lead clown, whipping out a large, very rusty nail. Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Dean felt the blood in his face drain. Tetanus, his only weakness! If only he hadn’t continuously put off his vaccine appointment, maybe he’d stand a chance against the vile, wretched clownpires. The head clownpire slowly started lowering its large, rusty nail as the clownlings cheered and hollered for Dean’s gay and homophobic blood. Dean’s allegedly-green eyes winched shut as he braced for the worst. 

Suddenly, a thunderous gunshot rang out through the depths of Turbo Hell. IT WAS CAS!!!!!!! Swooping in from above on luscious, golden wings, the angel with a shotgun (that was actually a pistol) opened fire on all of the fucking clownpires, who evaporated evilly, leaving Dean prone on the cold, hard floor of Turbo Hell. 

“C-Cas” gasped Dean, ruggedly, more manly tears falling unbidden from his emerald-adjacent orbs as he gazed into the smiling eyes of his angelic Boy Best Friend. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

“I never thought I’d see you either, y’big whore,” Cas said, a soft, sad smile on his handsome face. The angel reached out to cup the other man’s rugged cheek, who leaned into it subconsciously. 

“Cas, I--”

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my sweet Dean, It’s okay, I understand that we cannot be together, but your hetero friendship is enough for me.” 

“No! Cas, when I look at you, my heart goes all doki-doki. Castiel Angelman, I think...I think I might be not-heterosexual for you.”

“Lol get fukd this is all a big prank. Loser.” said Cas, who did a backflip. 

“What,” said Dean, who started crying for a completely different reason.

“What,” said Cas, confused. “There’s, like, cameras hidden in the trees dude it’s all a big prank and definitely not a defense mechanism.” 

“C-Cas,” Dean wailed, “I love you. Was it all for fucks? The whole time?”

Cas took a startled step back, clearly shocked. “D-dude, I-” he started before being abruptly cut off by a dismayed Dean.

“I look at you the way an average man looks at his ‘67 Chevy Impala, which is to say with unbridled and just barely repressed lust and affection. You are so breaking my heart right now, man. I don’t know w-” Dean was cut off, because it’s hard to talk when someone else aggressively shoves their lips on yours. 

Castiel Angelman tasted like angel, which turned out to be a pretty awesome taste. Dean brought his rugged arms over the smaller man’s frame and tangled his fingers in his soft brown hair, which was very sweet until the two men heard the most awkward cough this side of Turbo Hell.

“Haha gay,” said Sam, eating an apple and standing, like, 7 feet away which was WAY too close, thank you very much. 

“Jesus fucking christ Samuel what the turbo hell is your damage,” said a humiliated Dean. Cas just let out a hearty chuckle and ruffled the hair of his Boy Best Friend-turned-Boy Boyfriend. 

Sam cackled gleefully. “Okay you rapscallions, let’s blow this joint before the clownpires come back!”

“I thought the clownpires died?” said Dean, confused.

Cas lovingly wrapped his arms around his significant other. “Gamers don’t die, babe, they respawn <3”

“I can’t believe I fell in homosexual love with you,” Dean scoffed, but there was no malice in his tone. 

“Anyways, grab on, guys!” said Cas, “We should be able to get out of here using the power of love, and also the wings I have!” The Super Winchester Brothers leapt into the arms of the very strong angel, and together they busted down the walls of Turbo Hell like it was made of tissue paper and there was Joker mush waiting for them right outside. 

____________________________________________

When they emerged from the gas station toilet, Woman and Baby the Car were covered in blood and appeared to be making out about it. 

“Hey guys, what happened? Why are you covered in blood?” said an overly-cheerful Sam.

“Crazy story actually, while you guys were doing whatever the fuck you were doing in Turbo Hell--oh, hi Cas, what’s up--your abusive father came back to life and we killed him and then also killed Chuck (evil God).”

“Oh poggers!” said Cas. “I’m really glad you guys never decided to forgive his abuse out of some unearned feelings of loyalty! That guy was a real fuckhead.” 

“Yeah he was!” shouted Dean and Sam at the same time, who then high-fived in an epic display of sibling solidarity. 

“Anyways, do you guys wanna go live together in a big, serene house in the middle of the woods and put our monster hunting days behind us? I think it might be time for someone else to save the world,” said Woman with a tired smile on her face. 

“Yeah, maybe we can even fuck around and live happily ever after, or something,” Sam laughed. 

And they did.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're curious, I actually live streamed the entire process of writing this, and it was an incredible mess the entire time. Here's the link to the vod (for as long as it's up, it'll get automatically deleted in 2 weeks). https://www.twitch.tv/videos/810076521


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